Why Do We Stay?

"The truth is, only you know why you stay here, why you put up with this place. Or maybe you don't know. I didn't know why I came [here] until a little while ago. But standing here today, right now, I can tell you why I love it. I love it because it's a [place] people come to because they want to become something more than what they are. I used to .. imagine this great person I might one day become. And what I'm saying is, maybe that's the thing. Maybe that's why. We come here, to Gotham, because it's transformative, this place. We come here with our dreams and the city, it looks at us with its unblinking stone eye- an eye that sees all our faults, everything we're afraid is true about ourselves- and it says: 'try. I dare you.' And then Gotham stares you down, doesn't it? .. It fights you, challenges you to give up, to leave... But you don't. No. Because deep down you know- you know- that if you stand up to the challenge, if you walk through the fire, you will emerge changed. Burned down to that self you knew was there all along, the one you came here to be." - Bruce Wayne in Batman: Zero Year #24

The Green-Eyed Monster

Sometimes it seems like I only blog when I find something that I truly need to vent about. But I guess that makes sense because, well, why blog about something I'm not passionate about? This is my outlet to just spit it out and vent right? Yeah I'll go with that.

So like I said, I'm angry! One of my very best friends has been my best friend for 6 stinking years! SIX!! Now he has "officially" told me that he's done being friends. I mean, if you consider Facebook an official way of ending a friendship like that, sure. It's an official way of starting a relationship these days right? Why not ending one? Anyway! His reason? He's getting married! And she is the only female that can have any sort of friendship role in his life. Disclaimer: I respect his decision and I wish them well and you all should give them a big "Congratulations." And maybe this should be in a journal rather than a blog. But, I get to vent here.

So the issue here is this: "Besides their significant other, people should not be good friends with members of the opposite sex."

Just think about that for a second. .... WHAT?! That makes zero sense, people! You just knocked out 50% of the world! It might be the fact that I go to a school that is 80% male so maybe I just expect people to understand that I am always going to have friends that are guys, regardless of what my significant other thinks. But honestly, no. This doesn't make sense anywhere! Not here, not in Utah, not anywhere in America at least!

So just because I've got boobs means you can't be friends with me? Just because he's got a Y chromosome means she can't be friends with him? Alright alright so I know what the counter argument is there. "It's not only because of their bodies and chromosomes, Megan. It's because there is a possibility of one person being attracted to the other, and that would be inappropriate. No one wants to risk losing the person that they've fallen so madly in love with." I get that. Okay, but if you have fallen so far in love with this person, doesn't it make sense that your relationship could be based on something a little stronger? Maybe something like trust?

"Megan, I trust my significant other, but I just want to respect them! I can't have friends that are girls/guys! That would just be rude!" .... My friend, listen to yourself. Don't you think it's rude to drop so many of your friends? Are you really willing to lose a best friend? Yes? Well you've just defined right there what value you give to your friends.

Am I just a little too passionate about the importance of friendships? I love my friends and I could never give them up.

"Megan, one day when you are big like me, you'll get married. I think you'll understand more then." Ha... umm.. okay wait. You know what? No. No rebuttal for that one. You got me there!

Honestly, it all boils down to one awful emotion: jealousy.

You don't want friends of the opposite gender because you are worried that your significant other will get jealous and then leave. You rationalize that silly thought because you admit that you would be jealous of any opposite-sex friends that he/she might have and you don't want them to have an excuse to have those friends. And yes, it even comes in with me. I am jealous. Any time a friend drops me for their significant other, I hate it. I let it happen and I do my best not to put up a fight because, quite honestly, it really is their choice. But boy, I hate it so much. I am jealous of the fact that guys can be friends with them, but I can't! I absolutely hate it.

Okay so maybe I should mention the difference between when someone is dating versus when they are actually getting married. I have had plenty of guy friends drift away or straight up tell me that they cannot be friends with me because of their girlfriend. I always go through the regular routine: Get mad, continue trying to keep the friendship alive, give up, move on but kind of always wish that we could still be friends. Then one day, they break up. And all of a sudden!!! I get a text or a Facebook message or sometimes they even talk to me in person. And every time, I debate renewing the friendship because, of course, they are going to start dating again and what's going to stop them from letting go of the friendship once again? Well I'll tell you this much, their girlfriend isn't going to stop them that's for sure.

Every once in a while, though, love finds a fairytale (cue pixie dust), and two people decide to get married. What then? Our friendship is never going to come back, and that, my friends, is the tragedy. It's the unhappy ending beneath the new beginning. It's the bitter taste in the happily ever after. It's the green-eyed monster hiding in all of our closets.

How I Lost My Voice

So I lost my voice on Friday night and this is the story of how it happened. Someone told me to write it down so I can remember the fun memories, but I figured I'd record it so you can hear my voice. This is more for me to remember the story later, but if you're interested here you go.

B e a u t i f u l W o m e n

Before you read this, open a new tab or a new window or whatever you prefer and search the phrase "beautiful women" in Google Images.

Did you do it? No? Well go do it. Yes? Good.

Okay so lately on Facebook I've been seeing more and more posts of these super inspiring videos with regular people trying to redefine beauty through social media. Here are a couple of examples:

A New Look on Selfies

World's "Ugliest" Woman

After seeing so many of these amazing posts, I couldn't help but join the fight.

Remember that Google search I had you do a few minutes ago? Well why on earth were all of the woman practically naked? Some of them completely nude, some of them fully clothed (kind of) but pulling some sexy pose with their butt sticking out, their back arched, or their lips all kissy-faced. Is that really beautiful? And before you say, "Ha, yes Megan it is," let me ask you this: Are the girls you find beautiful really the ones you see online that you can picture yourself having sex with? The ones you've never spoken to, never learned anything about, you don't even know their name or what they like to do or what they find intriguing or what their most embarrassing moment is? You've never seen their eyes sparkle when they tell you about something they are passionate about, and you've never had the beautiful realization that they trust you enough to tell you something so important to them? These women. The ones you searched a few minutes ago. All you know about them is boobs, butt, clear skin, straight teeth, and nice hair. And you're telling me that is beautiful? Sexy maybe. But to throw the word beautiful at them like all it takes is stripping my clothes off and a pose with my legs apart and my back arched so my boobs are more perky? That's beautiful? No I refuse to accept that, and guess what. These days, we have social media for people to speak out. The world is no longer magazines and Victoria Secret fashion shows. Everyone gets a say now. Everyone has a chance to tell the world what beautiful is. And you know what? I think we can beat the magazines, MTV, and underwear models.

Here are a few examples of people that I think are simply beautiful.

This is my best friend Summer Danielle Seibold.

She loves wolves and all animals for that matter. Her dream is to become a vet, and let me tell you. I've seen the sparkle in her eyes when she tells me about this dream of hers and it is beautiful.

Summer is a hard worker. For as long as I've known her she's been working working working. We worked at a cub scout camp together in middle school. The next year she found a job working for the forest service. She worked for a while as a janitor and when that didn't work out, she found this amazing job at Starbucks.

Summer loves Vampire Diaries and Supernatural and random movies like Thumbelina. She likes to blast her music in the car so loud you think your ears are going to pop. She dances like a maniac and just makes you want to join her in her crazy dancing but you can't join her because her dancing is so beautifully crazy that you just can't look away.

This is my oldest (as in friends the longest, she's not actually that old) friend Sierra Lee Clark.

I've known Sierra for as long as I can remember almost. I have a picture with her in the bath tub. Both of us were tiny little kids and completely naked without a care in the world. There's another picture I have of me and Sierra sitting in her driveway drawing with chalk, also without a care in the world.

As kids, we used to play in Sierra's basement and I'm pretty sure one time we were convinced something .. or someone... had moved a knife that was down there. We were pretty creeped out and yup, it was official. We were gonna' die. I've seen Sierra grow into this beautiful young woman. I've seen her grow from a child's curiosity glistening in her eyes to determination. I've seen her fall in love, and it's beautiful. She is beautiful.

This is my mom. Denise Charlene Christensen.

There is far too much to say about how beautiful my mother is, but I'll do my best. My mom has been through so much in her life. I'm not going to share her trials and her struggles because it's not my place to share, but I'm going to tell you that I've seen her cry tears of despair, and I've also seen her cry tears of joy. You should see the way my mom lights up when her kids do something to make her proud.

That's a picture of my mom and brother picking me up for my first break home plebe year. Just LOOK at that smile! Beautiful, isn't it?

My mom's crazy, but in a crazy beautiful way. I love her so much and I regret not showing my appreciation to her in a beautiful way like she shows her appreciation for others. Every time I visit home, she's spending time in the kitchen cooking up some new treat and then bagging those treats to take around to all of her new friends and old friends and some people who aren't actually her friend but just need a pickmeup. Look at that face up there. Beautiful right? Crazy beautiful.

Although it was a struggle, a long bumpy road with many arguments and trials and just plain exhausting nights, my mom got me to where I am today. We never had any money for me to go to college, but she insisted that I could find a way. She fully believed that I would find a way to get my college education payed for, and guess what. *whispers* I got a full ride scholarship.. Shhh! * I go to this amazing school called the US Naval Academy and I absolutely love it. I was pretty distraught when my mom kept pushing that I needed scholarships because we didn't have any other way to pay for it, but look at me now! Big bad 2/C Midshipman. Come at me bro. And it's all thanks to you mom. You're beautiful way of making sure I achieved my dream. It's beautiful. You're beautiful.

This is a friend I met at the academy. Dana Petersen.

Beautiful. And you know why she's beautiful? She has one of the strongest minds I know. She knows what she believes. She knows where she's going and she knows what's right and she's not afraid to tell you. Dana loves history, she's a beast at using an elliptical, and she's beautiful.

This is a friend from church. Stephany Andrews.

I could go on and on about Stephany. Stephany is beautifully kind. Stephany makes treats all the time for the young single adults in church. She's a nanny and today she showed me some beautiful videos of these kids playing in the snow, dancing to music, and just being beautiful. Stephany sees the beauty in others. She has this contagious laugh that just makes you feel all warm inside. She's beautiful. (Psst. It's also her birthday today).

These are my sisters:

Shylo loves to cook and she gets the biggest smile when she feeds you a meal that you enjoy.

Ashley loves to sing and her passion radiates from her face as she does it.

Cindy loves the 49ers and Disneyland. She can never have enough Disney and now she has a beautiful daughter, Gwen, to share these passions with. Gwen is beautifully beautiful and there's not much more to say. She pulls at your heart strings beautifully and she's not afraid to tell you that Donatello is the best ninja turtle.

Tricia and Sheila love their children beautifully as well. They are my beautiful sisters.

So what does beautiful mean to you? Do you agree with Google Images and Victoria's Secret? Don't get me wrong. It's possible to be both sexy and beautiful but if all I've got is a picture of you in your underwear, I can't call you beautiful until I see you living a beautiful life.

So all you females reading this post. I beg you, look in the mirror, forget the bags under your eyes, forget the graying hairs, forget the pimples, forget what the world has taught you. Those bags under your eyes might mean that you have stayed up nurturing a young baby, giving it life. Beautiful. Those graying hairs mean you have lived long enough to get grey hair! You have a story to tell woman, so go tell it. Beautiful. Those pimples mean your human. That's it. Beautiful. The world no longer has the power to tell you that you're arms are too hairy or your butt is too pasty white or your feet are too long. My arms are hairy, my butt is pretty pasty since it never sees the sun, and my feet are long and bony, but guess what. I play the bagpipes, the flute, and the piano beautifully. My eyes are beautifully blue. I'm pretty darn good at mathematics. Sometimes I laugh so uncontrollably hard that I sound like an evil person. I love blasting Disney, Taylor Swift, and Les Misérables and I don't care who hears me singing along. I am beautiful.

So here's my challenge to you, people of the internet, find three women in your life who are simply beautiful and go tell them why you find them beautiful.

Butterflies

Just a warning friends.. This one's cheesy. My inner daydreamer is coming out.

BUT!

What do you think of the whole concept of butterflies? That feeling in your stomach when you think of someone or when you're with them or whatever. I've decided butterflies are smart. I think maybe.. maybe butterflies are telling you that this person you are with or thinking of, you need them. At this point in your life, you are meant to have found them and to learn from them. Because butterflies don't just happen. Those butterflies are smart. So listen to them. Let yourself get close to someone, learn from them, grow.

Orrr maybe I'm just a crazy girl thinking way too deeply about a bug. Maybe.

Texting

Okay, something that's been getting on my nerves lately... texting. Not even texting, but the reactions people have to texting. I'm not always the type of person who responds immediately after receiving a text. In fact, I'm never that type of person. I'll probably respond within the next hour or so, and for those of you that text me, you know this. And sometimes, people get mad at me for it! Okay maybe not mad, but they just get frustrated with me because I don't answer right away. If you want an immediate answer, CALL ME!!! That's what the phone is for! With texting, it's actually really convenient. No matter how long I wait, the text will still be there. I can read it immediately, or maybe in 10 minutes when I've finished pooping, or maybe in a couple of hours when I'm done getting my haircut. I don't HAVE to read it right away, because the message will still be there! And then, when I'm good and ready, I can answer.

I understand that sometimes, timing can be horrible. If you profess your love to someone for the first time, or ask a personal question, or give a compliment; and then that person decides to wait hours to respond. Yeah, that kind of sucks because then you're sitting there thinking, 'Great, now they think I'm a freak.' This has happened to me plenty of times so I'm sorry if I've done it to you! But STILL! First of all (after rereading this I realize I go on a rant after saying 'first of all' sooo there is no second of all, just letting you know so you're not expecting one), don't profess your love or ask super urgent questions over text if you're not willing to wait for the answer. If you need an answer right away, dial my stinking phone number and call me! By texting, you've given me the opportunity to sit and think of the perfect answer. To be honest, I think in general people are more likely to get turned down if they ask someone on a date over text because then that person has all the time in the world to think of a polite way to turn you down. Whereas, if you ask them in person or on the phone, it's like PRESSURE'S ON and they'll probably give you a chance.

Anyway, back to why I take so long to answer text messages (this was supposed to be the second of all). I get busy! Or distracted! Or sometimes I just don't want to text because I'm sick of dealing with my phone's stupid keyboard! So I just don't answer right away. It's nothing personal. If I really have something against you, I'll let you know. Well when people find out that I don't text back because I was busy or just didn't feel like texting, they'll say, "Then why didn't you just tell me that you're going for a run so I know your busy?" I don't tell you that because saying that would end the conversation! I'd say "Can't talk now. Busy." and then you'd say "Alright, bye." No! That's not what I want! I don't want to tell you I'm busy because I'm enjoying our conversation so much that I don't want it to end! I want to continue our intriguing conversation when I'm done playing Phase 10 with my family or whatever I'm doing.

So in reality, if I take hours to respond to your text messages, you should take that as a compliment! It means I want to continue our conversation after eating my bagel. Or maybe in the morning after my nightly dose of REM. In fact, if you get a message from me saying "Good night!" or "I've got to go" THAT'S when you should worry, because that means I'm no longer enjoying our conversation enough to keep it going as an endless text discussion. But actually, I just realized that sometimes I'll say good night to people I really enjoy talking to because I think saying good night is sweet and I want to wish them a happy sleep time. Or sometimes I'll say good night because I'm confident enough in our friendship that I know I can expect a new conversation to start the next day. So I guess you'll never know with that one.

The point is, don't take it personally when I take a while to respond to a text message. I might be walking my dog, except I don't have one, but you get the idea.

Reputations

I don't know if you know this, and it might be really obvious, but people really care about how others view them. Lately I've noticed just how much people care, and it's crazy! It's completely understandable.. but it's crazy! A little while ago I was venting to my best friend, Summer, about something this guy did that really kind of made me angry. He found out that I told Summer, and he flipped out at me! His exact words were "What are people going to think???" They are going to think that you're a jerk that's what. But that's not even it. First, she's my best friend and I'm going to tell her everything, that's just a thing. Second, you can't expect people not to find out about your actions. You can't hope for a good reputation when you aren't doing things to build that reputation. Third, is that really the first thing you're worried about? What are people going to think? Yeah, seems legit.

Anyway, this post isn't just about that. How many times have you heard someone say, "Please don't put that picture on Facebook"? I totally understand this situation more than the last one though. There are definitely pictures out there that I'm embarrassed about. And it's particularly suckish when someone happens to catch a picture of you doing something you aren't very proud of. But still! No one looks great in every picture, and every one makes mistakes. The only reason I can understand being worried about pictures on Facebook is because nowadays colleges and job interviewers look on Facebook to check out their applicants. Oh! Another thing about Facebook pictures. Now that it's summer time, there are a lot more beach pictures being thrown up on Facebook, which means topless guys and girls in bikinis. This isn't proven or anything, but if you look a little closer at those pictures, it definitely seems like all of the guys are flexing and the girls are sucking in. Which just cracks me up. Of course every one wants to look good and show off how good they can look, but come on. By sucking in, it's not like I'm all of a sudden that skinny. And it's not like I'm obese in the first place! But yet, I worry, just like every one else, how I'm going to look in this picture. So why do we care so much? I don't know. We're in college I guess.

Another thing I've noticed is how scared some people are to be themselves in public. I'm definitely guilty of this so I can understand why people do it. Summer and I are crazy when we're together, but would I act like that around someone I just met? Probably not. I don't want them to think I'm some lunatic or something! Even if I am a lunatic, I don't want them to think that haha. But what if they are a lunatic too and if we both acted like we do with our best friends, what if we would get along super well??? This kind of reminds me of Shel Silverstein's poem called Masks. 

I don't know if I'm still really talking about reputations or masks or public images or what. But hey, that's what I'm thinking.